When you are diagnosed with cancer, lots of emotions come up over time.

Often, the first emotion people experience is shock.  After all, as with many other chronic illnesses, many of us feel cancer only happens to other people, not us or our loved one.  Shock makes it difficult to focus on making decisions and challenging to  hear and fully understand your Oncologist or Gynecological Oncology Surgeon when they discuss your disease and treatment options.  (Be sure to bring a trusted loved one/friend to appointments or at least have them listen in on the phone.)

Denial can be a piece of this.  Even though,  I consider  myself an educated person (a retired nurse).  I denied for 2 years that I was diagnosed with “late stage” cancer.  (I was diagnosed stage 3C, definitely late stage).  Denial is a way of coping.  I suppose,  if I had not been in denial, I may have not returned to work full-time for 15 months after Frontline (initial) treatment, when I was NED (No evidence of disease on my CT scan).  I have no regrets regarding returning to work.  I consider it one of the best decisions,  I ever made.  (I retired at 15 months since it seemed like a good idea, it was a very high stress job for most of us at my community hospital.  I hoped early retirement and reduction of stress would help prevent a reoccurence.)

Some people experience anger immediately.   Some people experience it later.  “Why did this happen to me?”  My outlook was different.  I felt like, I wouldn’t wish this diagnosis on even my worst enemy, “better me than them.” 

I did experience anger when I had kidney injury due to Avastin.  It took me several years to work through the anger and let go of blaming others.  Chemotherapy is risky and I signed a consent outlining many potential complications and side effects.  Kidney damage was listed as one of those risks.  (I believed it was better to take the risks in hopes of wiping out the cancer.) 

Some people actually say, write and wear Tshirts saying fu$k cancer.  That is not my philosophy.  I have always pictured my cancer cells as sickly souls laying in hospital beds needing help.

Regrets.  We all have regrets.  What if I had gone to the doctor sooner?  Why didn’t I recognize I was at higher risk for Ovarian Cancer, after my Mom died from it in 2002?  Why didn’t I know I was high risk due to lifestyle choices?  In the end, letting go of regrets was the best action to take, since  dwelling on them,  changes nothing.

Depression.  I believe some depression is a normal reaction for many of us.  A diagnosis of cancer carries lots of loss.  Loss of your dreams for your future, loss of income (temporarily or permanently), loss of sleep, loss of unreliable family/spouses/friends, loss of peace of mind and maybe for some people loss of hope.  Working through this is important for your emotional, spiritual and physical welfare.   Like so many situations, It’s okay to be depressed for a while but you don’t want to feel down the rest of your life.   If you are deep in the dark, lonely hole of depression and can not  help yourself, please get counseling.  The quality of your life depends on it.

Fear and anxiety are normal.  Cancer is a serious disease.  Treatment is not easy.  The future is uncertain. Recognizing your blessings with gratitude and grabbing on to hope and not letting go is helpful in getting through the tough days.

Attitude is important.  People have often complimented me on my “positive attitude.”  The simple truth is it is easier to live with a positive attitude than a negative one.  I sleep better at night.  I enjoy my good days more. Having purpose in my life has helped too.  Answering questions for people on an online cancer support group, caring for my kitties, accomplishing simple household tasks all give me purpose and help keep me positive.

Part of a positive attitude is letting go of  “dark, what if scenario’s”.  What if my cancer comes back?  What if this treatment does not work?  What if my CT or PET scan looks bad?  What if my my tumor marker goes up?  What if I lose my job?  What if chemo side effects get worse?  You get the idea.  Yes, bad things can happen.  My suggestion is don’t worry about “what if scenarios” UNTIL and IF they actually happen. 

That is not easy.  After 9 years of dealing with Ovarian Cancer, I still catch myself playing the “what if” game, usually at night, while laying in bed.   I stop myself by making it worse.  What do I do if I get attacked by zombies? What if the worst thing happens?   I make my “what ifs” as bad as possible because it gives me a clear perspective and maybe a little chuckle. 

It is alright to feel any of these emotions.  It is natural.  I have  discovered in my lowest moments, giving my fear, anxiety, depression, anger, regrets and other burdens to my higher power (for me that is the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.) gives me peace.   It is still a struggle for me.  (I have occasionally fantasized of being in a sound proof, padded room with stacks of dishes that I could throw across the room and scream  loudly and say  whatever  I want.) 

On a more positive note,   joining a support group can be helpful.  Talking to a trusted family member or friend or getting counseling can help you get through the more challenging times. 

Take each day and make the best of it.  Make  fun plans for the future.  Plan a trip (just make sure it is refundable), indulge in a favorite hobby, adopt a pet from a rescue, go to a favorite restaurant with family or friends, take a walk on the beach/woods or go to an event like a concert, play or festival.  You are “still standing”.  Embrace your life!